Fake Tan on Five Year Olds

Baby Beauty Queens is on BBC 3 again, they had a one off program last year but this year there’s a whole series. I really don’t get the whole beauty pageant thing, these people seem to spend loads of money and years of training at strutting around in a tacky dress grinning manically at weird old men taking it all far too seriously. The kids on these shows say its fun but all they seem to do is stand there, being judged by a load of idiots for hours. Surely they can spend their time doing something more useful, like for example sitting in front of the telly laughing at people in beauty pageants. Each to their own I suppose

Smoothies and Meat Pies

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/Strictly-Come-Dancing-Star-Ricky-Whittle-Cleared-Of-Knocking-Down-Photographer-In-Liverpool/Article/201008215681379?lpos=UK_News_News_Your_Way_Region_9&lid=NewsYourWay_ARTICLE_15681379_Strictly_Come_Dancing_Star_Ricky_Whittle_Cleared_Of_Knocking_Down_Photographer_In_Liverpool

This is why, as I have always said, it is a bad idea to let people off of Hollyoaks out of their cages at night time. It’s just asking for trouble.  I mean, it’s probably not his fault, he was probably off his face on smoothies, got all over excited, and went ramming into the man mistaking him for a meat pie but still these things could be avoided. I’m just saying.

My mother, who usually finds anything other than the News and Holby City intellectually degrading, has recently become addicted to Hollyoaks. She says it’s her guilty pleasure. I only have myself to blame. She’s abandoning the ironing, canceling meetings with friends and setting her alarm clock, just so she can catch the bloody omnibus. I think it may be some kind of midlife crisis. Is this worrying?

You so fake, you’s a faker

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5tF9Cqamig

This is maybe the most hilarious ’song’ I have ever heard in my life. I think it’s maybe so bad that it could be kind of ironically brilliant, especially the genius line ‘go pack your bag, pack all your tampax.’ (at least I think she says that) and at the end where she trys to like riff over the chorus. Seriously my new favourite person, that man in the video was stupid for ‘banging tash and susie’ because she’s obviously going to be world famous by next week. Oh maa daaiiysz Shardinay!

Walk in Baths

Who is this Fiona Philips woman and what is she doing all over these usually informative and hiliarious middle aged woman magazines which are probably not aimed at 15 year olds, on account of the adverts for walk in baths that you can sit in (a fine luxury), incontinance pads, diabetic socks (?) and a shoe that apparently makes you ‘walk like a 20 year old!.’ I have obviously been searching for years for shoes which prematurly make me walk like I’m in my 20’s so they shall clearly be purchased. Fiona Philips should probably get some as well because according to this magazines, she looks like she’s been letting herself go a bit lately. How immensly interesting!

It’s all gone a bit tit’s up for my favourite queens of tackiness

Is anyone actually watching big brother.  Because it’s not really fair on them thinking about how when they return to the outside world they’l all be as famous as Suri Cruise and then when they actually do come back to reality, they’re about as famous as Steve Brokestein.

Michael Jacksons dead. That is very sad because he was all talented and weird and everyone had spent like a zillion quid for a standing ticket at his comeback tour that is no longer going to be happening seeing as it’s going to be harder than ever for him to come back.  It’s not like he’s Jesus or anything and can reserect himself. Only Nasty Nick off Eastenders and Bono can do that. I don’t have any real feelings towards Michael Jackson except that he was a bit odd and I don’t know anyone else that can change their skin colour.  I might get in touch with his surgeon cos I’ve always fancied being orange. Or actually I could just use some fake tan, probably cheaper.  Anyway…

Oh My Jonus, Peter and Kataaaaaiii have split up after she suffocated him with her rubber chest during the three legged race at Princess Tescos sports day.  Jordans being all slaggish and pole dancing in cages with Britney Spears and Smiley Virus (might not be completely true, but it’s much more exciting that way) while Peter Andre is using the tragedy to milk his new album for all it’s worth.

Question, do you think Zac washing machine Efron is sad that no one likes him anymore because of the pasty vampire one? Because the transition from one to the other was quite unexcpected and it must be hard when your talent is limited and all you have to cling on to is that weird tweenage heartthrob thing.

Jamie Oliver has Girly Sperm.

Apparently Queen of frozen prawns Kerry Katona is splitting up from her husband. According to OK magazine (which I bought at a French Airport to waste the last euros) it is because she got to fat for him, which is obviously not true because anyone with sense can see he was with her because of her charm and intellect and was not just in it for the free cars and Iceland Micrawavable Curry.

La Roux is very annoying.

Lizzie x.

I’m a bit confused

Jade Goody is dead.  It wasn’t reall a shock because she’s been going on about dying for a while now.  I don’t really know what Jade Goody did but she was really famous and celebrities are all being sad that she is dead.  I think they’re just trying to make out they’re sad because it makes them feel like a good person because celebrities have no soul.

How funny was the OK magazine tribute.  ‘Jade Goody, 1981-2009′  That wasn’t the funny part, the funny part was how it was published before she was even dead.

Kerry Katona is also famous for nothing much.  She felt a bit unloved because Jade Goody was getting all the attention so she split up from her skanky husband and then got back with him like 3 and a half hours  later.   Do you think she is mistaken in thinking anyone cares.

In between when Jade Goody was supposed to be dying and when she actually did, about 5 other people died.

This woman who was famous even though I haven’t heard of her cos I’m uncultured died skiing.  This isn’t unusual but she died on a nursery slope.  How do you manage that.  I’ve never been skiing because I’m uncultured but I imagine it’s like stableizers on the bike.  Impossible to hurt yourself.  Well obviously it is.

U2 have an new album.  I used to like U2 but the single wasn’t that great and Bono is very annoying.  I haven’t bought the album but that’s just because I’m skint.  Also Noel Gallagher has a charity album out. I’m not completely sure but I think it is a concert that has been put on CD.  I don’t have it.  I like Oasis more then I like U2 but I don’t like Liam Gallagher.  Noel Gallagher is alright though.

Kelly Clarkson has a new album out, full of stuff to make parodies out of.  There are two versions that I saw in Tesco, a regular one and a deluxe one.  I wanted to buy both, one for each hand but that would be dead sad so I just bought the regular one.  That’s why I’m skint.  I’ve spent all my money on a Kelly Clarkson Album.  Oh well.  This is so going to ruin my street cred,

I’ve literally just rambled on for ages just then.  Sorry.

One for each hand.

But which is better, Regular or Deluxe edition.

Theres only one way to find out…

FIGGGHHHHHTTTT!!!!!!

A Life for a Life

Has anyone else noticed how since them freaky octuplets were born, everyone else has been dying.

Everday on the front of the newspaper it’s another story about Jade Goody and how much she is dying.  It’s very sad and that but after I’ve heard the same story 400 times you do tend to lose interest.  One day it was,  ‘Jade Goodys getting Married’.  The next day ‘Jade Goody nearly married’, then ‘Jade Goody, wedding of the decade (really??), and then ‘Jade Goody, my husbands a bastard.’

I DON’T CARE

I know that’s really insensative, and I understand she wants money for her kid, but she’s got to be at least worth £400000000000000 by now

And on every magazine it’s like ‘Jade EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW’ but how is it exclusive if it’s on every magazine and it all says the same crap.

Anyways, moving on, THE OCTUPLETS, … EVIL!

They must be, since they’ve been born, taking up all the earth space, everyone else is slowely dying.  Could you imagine waking up in the night to a baby crying and then walking into a room and there are 8 babies all crying in unison.  AAAAGGGHHH!

And they already have 6 siblings

In a three bedroom house

With the womans parents

And shes a single mother

MENTAL

How will they get a car, or a pram.  That’s literally 8 kids. 8!

And then a few miles east there’s a baby whoes dad is 13.  WTF!

What’s the world coming to!

F00t Rubz

I am going to start up a gansta rap crew.  We are going to be called F00t Rubz.  I think I would make a shitey gansta rapper but theres nowt wrong with trying.  My gansta rap crew is gunna be massive.  It’l be like the So Solid Crew but even more thuggish.  My gansta rap name will be Lizzie Mafia and anyone who wants to join will have to choose a gansta rap name for themselves.  You can’t be called Dappy or Fazer or Tulisa cos they have already been taken by N-Dubz

(the swines)

((and yes I did have to go on wikipedia to find the names))

(((well actually just Fazer and Tulisa cos everyone knows the one with the hat is called Dappy cos he’s always on Never Mind the Buzzcocks)))

Also you will need Gansta Rap clothes.

To give you a bit of help in what the this, I have added a little guide to help.

LIZZIE MAFIA’S GUIDE TO THE FINEST GANSTA RAP ATTIRE

So basically we’re gunna need them big t-shirts and them hats.

Another type of hat that is very important is one like this:

I know it doesn’t look that kewl but acordding to N-Dubz this is GANSTA

LIZZIE MAFIA’S GUIDE TO THE FINEST GANSTA RAP ATTIRE

Now all that’s left to do to turn us into proper Gangstas is to fine tune all the dodgy bits.   I think we should all start talking like Westwood.

P-POW-POW  P-POW-POW

BRUP

We need to start listening to music like Bow Wow and Snoop Dog and Eminem and 5O Cent (GET UP)

I should probably learn how to spit lyrics or whatever aswell.

Oh, and this is Shanekqua..

Lizzie

P.S.  CHASE N STATUS, KA!

P.P.S   DAP TO THE Y!!

Lizzie’s Parodies

My Life Would Suck Without You - My Life Would Suck With the Flu

Co parodied by Hannah Last

I guess I’ve caught the virus

I think it’s gastric flu,

I guess this means I’ll take

40 days off school

This is so annoying,

Why is it always me

Who gets the stupid ilness,

Forever I will sneeze.

The snot is running down my nose, yeah

However much I try to blow, yeah

I need some neurofen,

And honestly,

My life, it sucks, with the flu.

Maybe I was stupid,

For thinking I’d be fine,

I should have had a flu jab,

This stupid cold of mine.

I really need a tissue,

I’ll get some from the loo,

My temperature is rising,

I don’t know what to do.

The snot is running down my nose, yeah

However much I try to blow, yeah

I need some neurofen,

And honestly,

My life, it sucks, with the flu.

My nose it is so blocked up,

It’s so uncomfortable,

I really need a tissue,

My nose I have to blow,

Oh yeah

……………………………………

The snot is running down my nose, yeah

However much I try to blow, yeah

I need some neurofen,

And honestly,

My life, it sucks, with the flu.

Originally by Kelly Clarkson

And the moral of the story is …..

Stay away from snotty people

Lizzie’s Parodies

Thinking of you - Stuck on the Loo

Constipation means I am stuck on the loo,

stuck on the loo,

stuck on the loo,

stuck on the loo, what do I do?

If you were the one who was spending the night,

spending the night,

stuck on the loo,

Oh I wish that I had eaten more apple pie………

Originally by Katy Perry.

The moral of the story is….

Eat more fruit and that.